Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Our journey with Infertility...

Geez, I'm a bloggin' fool today. Can you tell my work has been a little slow this week? OK so I've been browsing around a few blogs about infertility lately. I haven't really looked too much into these in the past because honestly, they often have such a negative spin on them. And I really hope I don't offend anyone by that, but that's just how they read to me sometimes. There are some out there that I enjoy reading though and the trend on these infertility blogs seems to be to have this "history" timeline on the side spelling out your personal journey. Which makes sense - you can just glance at someone's timeline and know exactly where they are with this whole thing. So I decided to put my own little timeline together and post it. It was kind of weird looking back and listing all the doctor visits and tests and procedures we've been through this past year... it was about this time last year that we decided, OK if we don't get pregnant by Christmas, let's start testing.

And I think during that first year of trying, when we really didn't know what was going on or if there was a problem, I could've started a blog and it would've been filled with anger. Month after month, let down after let down. Especially those few times when I just *knew* I was pregnant. I remember getting my period one time after being a week late and I just sank to the floor and cried. I started self-diagnosing on the internet (never a good idea) and reading statistics and finding horror story after horror story. And of course, everyone around us was getting pregnant. We've got those "fertile friends" who pass too closely in the hall and they're pregnant. And I was always and am always so happy for my friends when they get prego. Am I little jealous? Sure. But I'm not one of these that can't take the news. Behind closed doors it was more of a "that's great, but what the hell is wrong with us?!" For me, the not-knowing was the hardest part. Not knowing if something was wrong with me or with the hub...

So in January we started initial fertility testing with my OB/GYN. As part of the testing, I had an HSG (this dye test thing where they shoot dye all up in your girly parts to see if your tubes are open and that all looks normal). The radiologist performing the procedure said she could tell me what she saw, but that I'd have to have my own doctor explain it. OK WTF does that mean? So we're both looking at this screen (kind of like an ultrasound) and she's going "hmmm... hmmm..." Hmmm looks great? I have no idea what I'm looking at here, so I'm just waiting for some kind of explanation. She says my uterus is abnormally shaped and says all these big words very matter-of-factly. I somehow managed to remember the term "bicornuate uterus" and my mom and I googled the hell out of it. More self-diagnosing insued... and then my OB/GYN ordered an MRI to better diagnose the abnormality. There were basically two major possibilities... a bicornuate uterus or a septate uterus. The first she felt we could work around, the second would require surgery. So which one did I get? Yeah, the second one. The day I got that news was not a good one. It was a really big blow. And the best way I can think of to describe my feelings - and probably any woman's feelings when dealing with infertility - is that you feel like less of a woman. We're given this amazing ability to carry a child, yet we can't freaking do it. Everybody else seems to be able to, so what the heck did we do wrong?

So from that point I was referred to my fertility specialist - whom my doctor said was "the best in Atlanta." Well that's good - I like best. And he is - I LOVE him. Though in many ways I can't wait to be done seeing him, I will also hate to not see him anymore because he's so great. But the end goal is to get me prego and back to my OB/GYN.

Now I don't remember exactly when it was, but around the time we started seeing the specialist, I found new strength. At some point a light bulb must've gone off in my head... I made myself stop reading crap on the internet. I never look anymore. (Besides, my mom more than makes up for what I'm not reading.) I guess it has to do with our entire spring and summer being shot as far as trying, but I'm not living month to month anymore. I'm sure once we get the go-ahead I will be back on the ovulation kits and whatnot... but really I've found peace over the whole thing. I got to the point where all I really could do was turn it over to God. I mean I certainly can't control this... so I stopped trying. I mean if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans, right? He's got a plan for us and so I'm just dumping all my faith into that plan - whatever it may be. For now, we'll just keep pluggin' along.

So anyway, I'm going to post our little fertility timeline on here... it's a good reminder of what we've been through and what troopers we've been, if I do say so myself! Oh and I wanted to also mention this great book my OB/GYN wrote. My godmother referred me to her when I was just out of college. And you know what's crazy? She also had a septate uterus and had to have surgery. Was that a set-up or what? Oh stop winkin' at me, God! Anyway, for any of you dealing with infertility or who have friends or family dealing with it, this is a great little read...

OK for real, no more blogging today! I'm off to bed...

8 comments:

Somewhere Between Pinot and Pacifiers said...

I think you have the right attitude. God definitely has a plan for everyone and though it might not align with what we want at the time, it always seems to make sense in the end. Meanwhile, sending baby dust your way!!! I know you will get your little bundle of joy sooner or later!

Debbie said...

Thanks for sharing this. I feel the same way. I had to stop writing in mine and viewing other people's infertility blogs. I am in such a good place today, B and I have completely let go...well maybe not completely but we are doing really well.

Thank you for your thoughts and I'm still thinking of you and your hubby. ((HUGS)) ~Deb

Buford Betty said...

Hi Debbie! I've been wondering where you've been! I'm SO glad to hear that you and your husband are in such a great place - how wonderful. I wish you two the best as well, and keep us updated!

The Mrs. said...

Okay we are officially sisters. Everything on your blog I have felt and more. I ended up doing IVF to get Landon and this was after endless tests and no answers and all my friends getting pregnant all over the place. It nearly killed me. Then after my AWESOME new doc I felt renewed as well and he helped us get pregnant in three months after two years! It will happen for you! Have you read the book A Few Good Eggs? It's the BEST!

Buford Betty said...

Mrs...

Thanks so much for the sweet comment! I will definitely have to check out that book - thanks! :-)

Lori said...

Yes, I would say you've been "troopers'! Thanks for sharing your timeline too.
I hope the best for you and the family you will have. :)

tulipmom said...

You have definitely been troopers. I'm amazed by all you've gone through. When the time comes, I will be so happy to read about your pregnancy.

MMM said...

Lots of prayers your way!