Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Buford Baby Update

I was up at at 'em early yesterday morning... 7am appointment at RBA for more bloodwork. And then back to work to wait, wait, and wait some more on the results. Highly annoying for this impatient one! Finally around 2 o'clock, the hub got a hold of one of the nurses with the results. (We're supposed to wait on them to call us, but well...) So the hub calls me at work and immediately by his tone I can tell it's not good. In his upbeat-but-serious voice, he's like, "well, it's not great news."

The news is my HCG levels were almost nil yesterday (whereas they were over 100 on Thursday). In a normal pregnancy, they should be doubling about every 48 hours, NOT going backwards. They said I had what's called a chemical pregnancy - basically just a very early miscarriage. A lot of women have them without ever realizing they were pregnant... it can just look like a late period. Kinda makes me wonder if I've ever had one before. I've definitely had a strangely late period here and there, but never a positive pregnancy test. Who knows... Anyway, they said if I hadn't started spotting/bleeding yet (which I hadn't), I should soon. And then we'd go ahead and move on to round #2.

So yeah, yesterday was a big let down. I absolutely hate crying in public, so at about 2:15 I left work without saying anything and drove over to my parents' house. They live super close to my office. I just sat with my mom and we both cried it out. I just needed to get in a good immediate cry... I really hadn't cried AT ALL about the actual pregnancy and it just all came out. Flood gates open. It was good though. I went back to work afterwards and was able to hold it together the rest of the afternoon. And I promptly informed the hub that we would need a calorie fest and a movie marathon last night and he of course obliged. Yeah, here's what I ate...

  • McD's double cheeseburger value meal with diet coke
  • plus 1/2 of the hub's fries (that's right - in addition to MY fries)
  • plus 2 of the hub's McNuggets (which are pretty grody but I didn't care)
  • Cookies & Cream milkshake from Chick-fil-A (and I ate the whole damn thing.)

Oh but girls, I'm watching my waistline - so I said 'no whip' on the shake. "Dodgeball" was on TV so we watched that. Then I caught what will be one of the 500 replays of the MTV Movie Awards from this past weekend. And I did absolutely nothing else. There's a pile of laundry calling my name, but I didn't care. I just needed to veg - something I RARELY do. But it's just what I needed.

I woke up yesterday thinking I was pregnant, and went to bed last night knowing I wasn't. It's so weird how our realities have changed back and forth so quickly over the past few days. I of course am heartbroken, but we knew very well that this was certainly a possibility. And honestly, if it wasn't going to be a viable pregnancy, I rather lose it now than several weeks down the road. But no matter how you rationalize it, it still sucks. It still hurts. I hadn't yet let myself get too excited about being pregnant since it was so early, but I still wanted to believe.

But either way, knowing we can GET pregnant is still such a huge hurdle for us. It puts us in another league, and that is definitely reason to celebrate. With every prayer asking God for this baby to stick, I first thanked him for getting us this far. Every day was progress, even if it was the last. So while our hearts are heavy right now, we're still so grateful and I feel so loved by God right now. I can just feel his arms around me - when I need him the most.

This morning after making my (still decaf) coffee, I went in our guest bedroom and shut the door to pray. I STILL had no signs of any spotting, so of course I prayed that if there was any chance of a healthy miracle here, I'm in. But if this bird is getting kicked out of the nest, let's just get it done so we can move on. And I thanked him again for getting us where we are.

A few minutes later I sat down to spill this all out to y'all. Then I had to run to the bathroom mid-sentence and sure enough... there was Flo making her way in the front door. I just kind of laughed. That's got to be record timing for an answered prayer.

We're due to see my doctor later this week to make sure my HCG levels have gone all the way back to pretty much zero and we'll get started again. So just keep us in your prayers! It's a rough week, but we're definitely OK. The love and support we've gotten from friends and family is tremendous and so humbling. Thanks again for ALL your sweet and encouraging words. I will certainly keep you posted as we progress. xoxoxo

38 comments:

Lucky in Love said...

Oh honey...I'm so sorry to hear this news. It's just heartbreaking for you too.

You are handling this so well and are such a strong person. I'm wishing you the best of luck for the next round and praying for comfort for you and your husband.

Pretty Personal Gifts said...

I've been in this same situation and it's never easy and all I can say is I'm sorry. Keep the faith.

Susan D. said...

I'm so sorry to read your news. Sending you big hugs and prayers.

Jill said...

You have an amazing attitude. Seriously, you are inspiring a LOT of people right now and teaching us all. And please, give yourself permission to veg more often!! It's good for you!!!

Hollie and Janie said...

I am so sorry for you. I can not even imagine how heartbroken you must feel. You have the most amazing outlook on this and life in general. You are in my thoughts!

MoneyPenny said...

Your faith and resiliance are amazing. God has a perfect plan for your family and it will be just as wonderful as you are! (Hugs)

Julie Tiemann said...

I am so sorry about this... I can't imagine what you're going through, but I have to echo previous comments that your faith is truly inspiring. But I also love how real you are and that you allow yourself to grieve (and veg!). I will keep praying!!!

Julia said...

I'm so sorry, but I will pray non-stop for you. God allows what He hates to accomplish what He LOVES.

Mrs. Newlywed said...

I am so so sorry.

I know how excited you were. I hope your next round goes smoothly.

*prayers and hugs*

Boo and Hooties Mom said...

You are amazingly strong and I so admire you. Hang in there. I am so sorry for all you have been through. Many prayers coming your way.

Melissa said...

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. I really hope the doctor's can help you figure out a way to get pregnant and have the child you so badly want! You and your husband are going to be such amazing parents someday! I'll keep you in my prayers!

Sasha said...

*Hugs* Thinking of you......

NatalieDeltaGam said...

there's nothing i can really say except that i'm so so so sorry that you're going through this right now. you are such an amazing and strong woman and i admire you. i'm praying for you!

BroncoMom said...

Oh Betty....
Words cannot express my deep sadness for you. I am sending lots of thoughts and prayers your way right now.

KK said...

Call me if you need to vent or cry or if you need a distraction! Love you, Bestie!!

Prissy Southern Prep said...

I am sad to hear this for you all. But, I will continuously pray for God to bless you with a healthy pregnancy and baby. Just keep praying and trying.

PammyS said...

Sending you love and prayers Amanda!!!! Love, P

Molly said...

I am so sorry!! My prayers are still with you!!

Jillian, Inc said...

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry to hear the news. Good for you for getting in a good cry and some McDonalds + Chik fil'a. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Elizabeth said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your sad news. Good junk food always makes me feel a little better :)

Gracie Beth said...

I am so sorry to hear this! I am sending lots of hugs, love, and prayers in your direction.

Jessi said...

So sorry. Sending prayers your way!

Marla said...

I am so sorry to hear your news...I'll send some good thoughts your way!

Mags said...

I'm so sorry to read this...my thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband.

Scarlet O'Kara said...

I am so very sorry for the two of you. My prayers are with you.

Hugs...

Cari said...

Not the post I wanted to see, my heart breaks for you. You inspired me to post about this subject because it's such a hard thing to understand. My prayers are with you and I admire how positive you sound and hope that this next round works out for you. :)

Denim and Pearls said...

I am so amazed at your attitude. You have the brightest spin on life of anyone I've ever seen -- I'm seriously inspired by your attitude!

I'm so sorry to hear about your news, but I am so incredibly hopeful for the two of you. You're in my prayers!

Jane said...

oh I'm so very sorry for you & your family. Hang in there kiddo.

The Forsyths said...

Hi,
I recently found your blog and can't believe how similar our lives has been. Just last week I was pregnant only to find out on monday I basically had a chemical pregnancy. Its my second early loss and never easy so I understand how you are feeling. I hear/read online about progesterone shots helping so will speak to my doctor about it. Sending you baby dust !

The Robbins said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so very sorry for your loss and know that God has a plan for you and your family.

The Pink Owl said...

So sorry. Praying for you!!

Allyson said...

Oh my goodness, I'm so very sorry. Your attitude is so positive. Please hang in there and know you're not alone. God does have a plan. I've been through the ups and downs of pregnancy and miscarriage several times, and if you need to chat, please feel free to e-mail me.

I'm praying for you!

Allyson

www.houseofstephens.blogspot.com
nvites4u(at)comcast(dot)net

The Pink Putter said...

Oh, I am so sorry. Hugs and prayers to you.

Renee said...

Thinking of you and hoping for a better go at it next time!

Maureen said...

I am so sorry to read this. Take good care of yourself - resting and taking time for YOU is important. Laundry will always be there. Time for you is important. Sending positive thoughts. Your strength and faith are inspiring.

Bella said...

I have been out of the loop here in blogland lately and just now reading this. I am soooo sorry you are having to deal with this. (((hugs)))

Lori said...

I'm sorry about the miscarriage and can so relate. I appreciate your faith and look forward to more good news!

ps (sorry about my timing being off with my last comment)

Brian and Carole said...

O.k. I know I am REALLY late in the comment game here. I just started reading your blog. Amanda, I am so sorry you've both been going through this. Your spirit is so strong! I am praying for you even though it's over 6mos. ago that you wrote this. Not sure what the status is now. But I will try to read and catch up.
We love y'all!!!!!