Thursday, April 29, 2010

What if I never get what I want?

Am I really OK with that? 
 
So this week (April 24-May 1) is National Infertility Awareness Week.  And y'all know I have a jacked up uterus, so I kind of feel obligated to "participate."  Trouble is, I'm currently in one of my not-so-warm-and-fuzzy seasons with this mess.  Bitter and pissed is more like it.  Which I really hate being, by the way.  Generally speaking, I do have a good outlook on where we are, good perspective, yada yada yada.  God has a plan.  Bibbidy bobbidy boo.  But these days I'm just pretending not to care because I can't really do anything about it right now except watch dust collect in our empty nursery.

 

We're still trying to nail down a full time job for the hub, so today all my energies are there.  Truthfully, we could move forward with our last IUI attempt now - it's not the cash situation that's holding us back.  It's my head.  This will be our final IUI attempt before moving on to the big leagues (IVF and potentially a 3rd surgery), so I want us to be able to give it everything we've got.  And I just can't get my head fully in the game till we've got the job situation squared away.  I may be able to multi-task, but I can only focus on one major life change at a time!  So I think a lot of my anger right now comes from just... sitting still.

 

I feel like we've turned so many corners over the last couple of years where we came around saying, "I think this is it!"  As in, here comes our big break!  Only to find out we're just starting down a new stretch of road, indefinitely.  Time grows slower and patience wears thin.  And I wonder if we'll ever get there.  And you know, it's not as if I *need* to have a baby on my hip right now.  It's just the not-knowing that sucks.  I love life with my husband and really am thankful for these years we've had together just us.  A lot of our friends never had that time.  But as we get older, more and more of our friends are "crossing over."  I even had a little circle of infertiles I could gripe with, but most of them have crossed over too.  And they of course know my pain and will probably never forget it, but they're on the other side now... wiping up spit.  It's not the same anymore.

 

Most of my friends are on their 2nd and 3rd kids now.  I mean hell, I'm 32.  Just because I haven't gotten it done, doesn't mean they haven't been busy the last 7 or 8 years.  And speaking honestly, one of my biggest dreads or fears right now is the thought of one or both of two specific friends of mine getting pregnant.  It's inevitable... one I know for sure is trying.  And I hate, hate, hate that I feel this way.  It breaks my heart that I know I won't be jumping up and down when I get that call.  How am I going to handle it?  I don't want to not participate in such an important time in a best friend's life.  But how do I do it?  I don't want to hold anyone back from living life but I selfishly want to handcuff my childless friends to me and make them stay that way till I can join them.  It's going to crush me and I don't know what to do.

 

But...  despite my mental eye-rolling at cute pregnant girls and urges to throw cement blocks at the TV when diaper commercials come on, I've never been angry at God.  In fact I think a lot of my current 'tude is directly connected to my lack of closeness with God right now.  If I could chart these "seasons," as I call them, I have no doubt that they'd be right in tune with my spiritual seasons.  And I'll just go ahead and blame work for this latest dip.  Y'all know the hub and I are very involved in church but with my work load in the weeks leading up to 4/15, I ended up putting a lot of my "God time" on the back burner.  I missed several small group sessions and hadn't kept up with our studies for those.  Missed several Sundays at church lately.  And here we are... angry at the freakin' world.  We went to a special night of worship last week at church and I prayed when I got there.  I told God that I just honestly wasn't with it.  He was going to have to come the extra mile because I just wasn't feeling it.  He met me there.  And I know what I need to do... so I'm working on that and I know the peace will follow.  These valleys are normal.  It's just part of the journey.

 

I know I want to be a mom.  I'm not exactly sure what that looks like.  If I could pick and choose my fortune?  Sure, I could come up with something.  But I think I'm so far past that idea that I'm willing to take whatever is given me.   I don't really think about not getting what I want.  Because I guess I'm not allowing myself to define that anymore.  Not specifically anyway...  I'm trying whole-heartedly to put my wants, my fears, my insecurities -- all of that -- into God's inbox.  Let me not be fearful of the unknown.  But let me be in a position to experience God and his plan for us.  I'm looking to him instead of that empty room.  God's hand in this - his timing, his plan - it is perfect.  And I know he put this desire in my heart.  So why should I be fearful of not becoming a mom?

 

It's a daily decision... placing that trust in God's hands.  It's a prayer I've failed to pray lately, but I know it works because I've lived it.

 

What if you took hold of those hopes, dreams, and fears and handed them to God?  Time to start.

 

 

For more on infertility and NIAW, please pop by here.

14 comments:

Jillian, Inc said...

Prayin' for you sweet lady!

amy (metz) walker said...

We live too close not to meet up and share our story/struggles over coffee or something. You think we can make this happen sometime in the next several weeks/months?

Sherrie said...

Sending you lots of hugs and prayers!

Julie Tiemann said...

I'm sorry. It sucks, no getting around it. Your honesty, openness, and yes, even humor, are super impressive to me. I don't know what you're going through, but I definitely know all about those dry seasons spiritually - might be in the worst one of my life right now - so praying we both get back into the swing of things soon.

Stacy said...

Wow, amazingly well-written and while I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes, I am certainly empathetic and wish just as hard for you that your time comes (sooner rather than later). You are an amazing woman!

Preppy Pink Crocodile said...

I love you, Bestie! Call me this weekend to have a vent session. I get it. In my own way of course but you know I get it. And while I wholeheartedly agree that God's inbox is best, a girl needs a best friend vent and rant session now and then too. If I lived closer, we could do our fav Elle workout video. That never failed to make us laugh our skinny asses off!

LuLu Lake said...

I've read your blog for sometime, and it just breaks my heart. I may not be able to fully relate with your struggles as I haven't tried to get pregnant yet. Regardless, my heart goes out to you and I hope and pray that you get everything you want soon. You deserve it so much!
xo and lots of prayers!

Jill said...

This post is amazing. So well written and honest. Thanks for being so open about the journey. Praying for you.

Carole said...

Amanda, thank you for being so open on your blog. You are loved and prayed for.

Stacee said...

I popped over from Jill Robert's blog and wow, I have gone through pretty much every emotion you have experienced as well. I'm on the infertility road as well and it is a hard one. Thanks for being so open and honest here.

Musewander said...

Love that last line... am right there with you. Praying that He meets us both where we are, and brings our dreams of a family to reality. In the meantime, we just have to make it through a day at a time, right?

The Pink Putter said...

Thank you so much for your openness and honesty. So much of what you wrote could so easily have been written by me.

It occurred to me yesterday at a Derby party that I'm so tired of being the only couple at a party or gathering without kids. I love my friends and their kids, but sometimes it hurts so badly that I just want to stay home instead of being social with our friends.

Thanks so much for sharing your journey-it takes a lot of courage to put your feelings out there. You are in my prayers.

Heather said...

I love this post. I will pray for you.

L said...

Thank you for sharing your journey. After 2 years of trying, we started going through the whole infertility testing last fall. It's been a bit of an emotional roller coaster at times, especially since we're keeping things on the DL for now and it's hard when there aren't many people to talk to who understand what you're going through. I truly appreciate you putting yourself out there in the blog world and sharing your experiences - please know that your blog has helped people like me! We're skipping straight to IVF with ICSI late summer (were told that it would be a miracle if it happened naturally and unfortunately IUI wouldn't help our chances) - it's incredibly scary (financially, emotionally, and physically), but praying for a positive result out of all this craziness and keep on reminding myself that this experience will only make me stronger (even if it doesn't make me feel like it right now!)...