Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Another one bites the dust.


Remember one of my big fears I mentioned earlier this year? Well, it happened. It was inevitable. I had dinner last night with two of my best girls and sure enough, one of them (kuntry bride) announced she is pregnant. Both of these girls have been big prayer warriors for me during my struggle, and she was very gracious with how she gave us the news. (Lucky has also been trying since day 1 of being married and is already frustrated.) I know that all must sound ridiculously selfish if you haven't gone through the crap the hub and I've gone through - I mean I don't want friends to walk around on egg shells around us when it comes to sharing good news. But there are better ways to do it than shoving ultrasound photos in my face and saying "Surprise!!!" (Yep, that has happened before.)

I am truly, truly thrilled for my sweet friend. She and her husband are going to be amazing parents! But I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt. No worries, I didn't like make a scene over my enchilada or anything last night. Surprisingly, I haven't cried at all over it. All I can say is that it just feels weird. I had a hard time sleeping last night. It's hard not to spiral into a case of the why-me's and it's-not-fair's. It's really hard to not get frustrated with the fact that it comes SO easily for other people when we've spent nearly 5 years and thousands of dollars and we're still nowhere. It's hard not to get angry. And once again, it's hard not to feel left behind. Last night, trying to fall asleep, I just felt very... alone.

Dammit, now I'm crying.

But I have to remember that nothing has changed for us. We're still plugging along - we've got our plan in place. And I must say I'm grateful... grateful that I've been in such a good place mentally and spiritually lately that I feel I'm really able to handle this news peacefully. A few months ago, I would've taken it a LOT harder. This journey has been a true roller coaster, so I'm thankful to be soaring high for the time being! The news is still uneasy. And I don't know what it's going to look like tomorrow, or a few months down the road, but I can't worry about it. I'm just going to do what I can with what I'm given today and lean on God for tomorrow. I'm going to love on my friend and pray for a happy and healthy pregnancy for her. And continue to pray for peace for me as we charge on. So hopefully the "weirdness" will soon fade and this new normal will become more... normal.

13 comments:

Jill said...

My stomach hurts for you right now. So hard. You, as always, have an incredible attitude and peace. But it doesn't take away the pain I know. Praying extra for you from my desk right now.

Charbelle said...

No matter how good of a place you're at, it is still something that the enemy will use to try and make you feel broken and defeated. Praying for you, for this journey you're on, for the peace that passes all understanding.

Poolside with the Girls said...

Your feelings are totally understandable. I gave away my fertility rooster or I would be sending it to you right now. I hope things work out the way you'd like them too.

Dr. Blondie said...

I so know how you feel. I suffered through an acquaintance's pregnancy announcement last night (in a completely obnoxious way, mind you, although she knows that my husband and I are suffering through infertility and miscarriage), and I cried all the way home. It hurts, even when it's your best friend. Hang in there, and soldier on:).

Preppy Pink Crocodile said...

Oh Bestie- I know that feeling. It's not about being jealous and not wanting good for others. It's about wanting to share that joy too. I am so sorry you are having a blue day. But Kuntry Bride knows you love her (I need to email her congrats). I am praying for you extra lots lately. Love love you!

Musewander said...

Somehow it always stings, no matter how considerately (or not) you're told. ...The considerate ones are just easier to not cry about 'til way later, for me...
Praying that God eases your pain today, and that the 'normalcy' of the new normal transitions quickly/easily...

Julie Tiemann said...

I'm really really sorry, girl. I don't know your pain firsthand, but my heart still hearts very much for you. It's really not fair. Not at all. :( Hugs!!

Preppy 101 said...

I can't say I know how you feel, but I can say I know hurt and disappointment. I watched my niece go through this. There is good to come for you. God is good. xoxo

Hurley Lucy said...

Thank you for sharing your heart. You're so honest. Thinking, praying, and sending many many huge hugs your way.

Amber said...

Just wanted to share that I think you're a pretty amazing person, you inspire me in so many ways and you have been on my heart so many times over the past year. Thank you for sharing your journey and being so real. You're in my prayers ... have been for a while and will continue.

Romans 12:12
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Susan said...

prayers going your way.... :)

Logan said...

Hi Buford Betty,
I believe I found your blog through Jill. I, too, have been dealing with fertility issues for about 2.5 years with multiple failed IUIs and even an ectopic that resulted in surgery, losing a tube and staying in the hospital for 3 days. But, I wanted to let you know about an alternative health place I've been attending that I have found very helpful. It's called Alternative Health Improvement Center and its located in Marietta, near the intersection of Powers Ferry and Windy Hill. You can check out their website here: http://ahicatlanta.com/ and let me know if you would like more information. They have worked on a lot of fertility cases and mainly focus of treatments of clinical nutrition (changing diet and taking natural supplements) and allergy elimination.

Just thought I would share this information and see if you were interested in learning more.

Warm Regards, Logan

Maureen said...

Thinking of you and sending warm thoughts.