And there have been lots of unpleasant dates with the stirrups over the years. I love how doctors and nurses use words like "pressure" and "uncomfortable" instead of down right saying "this is gonna hurt like hell and you're gonna want to bitch slap me!" And not to mention the fact that you're in like the most vulnerable position possible. The doctor's so far up in your girly parts you can't even see him. Super fun! Ahhh... but the hub and I just try to keep our eye on the prize. Friends of ours that have traveled the same road and now have little miracle babies tell us they'd do it all again in a heartbeat. ALL of it. It's so not the road any of us ever imagined taking to have children, but hey, sometimes life takes a detour. There's nothing romantic about conceiving with a catheter on an exam table. But God bless the doctors that know how to do this stuff!
So why am I telling y'all all this gross stuff? I don't know... mostly, I'm rambling. But also, this month marks 5 years that we've officially been trying to conceive. So in those five years, I've been through pretty much every test/procedure in the IF world... not all, but surely most. So please always feel free to ask me any questions if you find yourself wandering down the same path. Comment here any time, drop me an email, or DM me on twitter. Duh, I'm obviously open about this junk so no question is stupid! I've been so grateful for the people God has put in my life to walk with me through all this. Support from friends and family is so crucial, but it also REALLY helps to have that friend who has really been there. Unfortunately, the scars of infertility are just impossible to really understand unless you've suffered through it yourself. How do you impress upon someone the emotional and spiritual struggle that comes along with it? I used to turn my nose up at girls who "couldn't handle" going to a baby shower because they weren't able to get pregnant themselves. I mean, how selfish and ridiculous! Even in the beginning of my struggle I vowed to never be "that girl." HA! Now I avoid baby showers and kids' parties like the plague! It is truly a daily battle to fight that inner voice (the devil no doubt) that says I'm less of a woman and it's never going to happen for me and I'm disappointing everyone around me. It's impossible to make someone understand that - someone who hasn't fought that same fight before. So many girls keep the struggle to themselves - and that breaks my heart. It's so easy for infertility to become a stronghold on your heart if you let it. Please don't let it!
It will swallow you whole if you allow it. It will take your friendships. It will kill your marriage. All it takes is time. So suit up and say NO! Surround yourself with positive and supportive people and share your journey with them. Take pride in the fact that you and your spouse ARE a family. Children are a great addition, but you are already a family. Seek out someone who has been where you are going and survived to tell the tale! And most importantly, protect your heart by arming yourself with the most powerful weapons of all... God's word and prayer. That is the only true path to peace with all this junk.
"As for God, his way is perfect: The LORD's word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the LORD? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he causes me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You make your saving help my shield, and your right hand sustains me; your help has made me great. You provide a broad path for my feet, so that my ankles do not give way." - Psalm 18:30-36
Well, shit. Now I'm crying at work and I seriously don't know how I got here. I was planning to tell y'all about my weird egg dream and look where we landed instead! Whatever - so goes my brain these days. I have had some wacko dreams lately and will have to post about those later. Another round of meds tonight and then an ultrasound tomorrow to see how I'm responding so far! I'll let you know what I find out...
Current Mood: Grateful (and obviously mental)