We're still trying to nail down a full time job for the hub, so today all my energies are there. Truthfully, we could move forward with our last IUI attempt now - it's not the cash situation that's holding us back. It's my head. This will be our final IUI attempt before moving on to the big leagues (IVF and potentially a 3rd surgery), so I want us to be able to give it everything we've got. And I just can't get my head fully in the game till we've got the job situation squared away. I may be able to multi-task, but I can only focus on one major life change at a time! So I think a lot of my anger right now comes from just... sitting still.
I feel like we've turned so many corners over the last couple of years where we came around saying, "I think this is it!" As in, here comes our big break! Only to find out we're just starting down a new stretch of road, indefinitely. Time grows slower and patience wears thin. And I wonder if we'll ever get there. And you know, it's not as if I *need* to have a baby on my hip right now. It's just the not-knowing that sucks. I love life with my husband and really am thankful for these years we've had together just us. A lot of our friends never had that time. But as we get older, more and more of our friends are "crossing over." I even had a little circle of infertiles I could gripe with, but most of them have crossed over too. And they of course know my pain and will probably never forget it, but they're on the other side now... wiping up spit. It's not the same anymore.
Most of my friends are on their 2nd and 3rd kids now. I mean hell, I'm 32. Just because I haven't gotten it done, doesn't mean they haven't been busy the last 7 or 8 years. And speaking honestly, one of my biggest dreads or fears right now is the thought of one or both of two specific friends of mine getting pregnant. It's inevitable... one I know for sure is trying. And I hate, hate, hate that I feel this way. It breaks my heart that I know I won't be jumping up and down when I get that call. How am I going to handle it? I don't want to not participate in such an important time in a best friend's life. But how do I do it? I don't want to hold anyone back from living life but I selfishly want to handcuff my childless friends to me and make them stay that way till I can join them. It's going to crush me and I don't know what to do.
But... despite my mental eye-rolling at cute pregnant girls and urges to throw cement blocks at the TV when diaper commercials come on, I've never been angry at God. In fact I think a lot of my current 'tude is directly connected to my lack of closeness with God right now. If I could chart these "seasons," as I call them, I have no doubt that they'd be right in tune with my spiritual seasons. And I'll just go ahead and blame work for this latest dip. Y'all know the hub and I are very involved in church but with my work load in the weeks leading up to 4/15, I ended up putting a lot of my "God time" on the back burner. I missed several small group sessions and hadn't kept up with our studies for those. Missed several Sundays at church lately. And here we are... angry at the freakin' world. We went to a special night of worship last week at church and I prayed when I got there. I told God that I just honestly wasn't with it. He was going to have to come the extra mile because I just wasn't feeling it. He met me there. And I know what I need to do... so I'm working on that and I know the peace will follow. These valleys are normal. It's just part of the journey.
I know I want to be a mom. I'm not exactly sure what that looks like. If I could pick and choose my fortune? Sure, I could come up with something. But I think I'm so far past that idea that I'm willing to take whatever is given me. I don't really think about not getting what I want. Because I guess I'm not allowing myself to define that anymore. Not specifically anyway... I'm trying whole-heartedly to put my wants, my fears, my insecurities -- all of that -- into God's inbox. Let me not be fearful of the unknown. But let me be in a position to experience God and his plan for us. I'm looking to him instead of that empty room. God's hand in this - his timing, his plan - it is perfect. And I know he put this desire in my heart. So why should I be fearful of not becoming a mom?
It's a daily decision... placing that trust in God's hands. It's a prayer I've failed to pray lately, but I know it works because I've lived it.
What if you took hold of those hopes, dreams, and fears and handed them to God? Time to start.
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