Remember one of my big fears I mentioned earlier this year? Well, it happened. It was inevitable. I had dinner last night with two of my best girls and sure enough, one of them (kuntry bride) announced she is pregnant. Both of these girls have been big prayer warriors for me during my struggle, and she was very gracious with how she gave us the news. (Lucky has also been trying since day 1 of being married and is already frustrated.) I know that all must sound ridiculously selfish if you haven't gone through the crap the hub and I've gone through - I mean I don't want friends to walk around on egg shells around us when it comes to sharing good news. But there are better ways to do it than shoving ultrasound photos in my face and saying "Surprise!!!" (Yep, that has happened before.)
I am truly, truly thrilled for my sweet friend. She and her husband are going to be amazing parents! But I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt. No worries, I didn't like make a scene over my enchilada or anything last night. Surprisingly, I haven't cried at all over it. All I can say is that it just feels weird. I had a hard time sleeping last night. It's hard not to spiral into a case of the why-me's and it's-not-fair's. It's really hard to not get frustrated with the fact that it comes SO easily for other people when we've spent nearly 5 years and thousands of dollars and we're still nowhere. It's hard not to get angry. And once again, it's hard not to feel left behind. Last night, trying to fall asleep, I just felt very... alone.
Dammit, now I'm crying.
But I have to remember that nothing has changed for us. We're still plugging along - we've got our plan in place. And I must say I'm grateful... grateful that I've been in such a good place mentally and spiritually lately that I feel I'm really able to handle this news peacefully. A few months ago, I would've taken it a LOT harder. This journey has been a true roller coaster, so I'm thankful to be soaring high for the time being! The news is still uneasy. And I don't know what it's going to look like tomorrow, or a few months down the road, but I can't worry about it. I'm just going to do what I can with what I'm given today and lean on God for tomorrow. I'm going to love on my friend and pray for a happy and healthy pregnancy for her. And continue to pray for peace for me as we charge on. So hopefully the "weirdness" will soon fade and this new normal will become more... normal.