Wednesday, September 21, 2011

One Week at a Time

I've noticed a lot lately that people's gaze, as they pass, goes from my eyes straight to my belly.  This mostly happens at work. I guess because they're checking to see how big my belly's getting?  Or it's hard NOT to look straight at it?  I don't know, but I find it funny.  Tomorrow marks 22 weeks and I am amazed!  With every passing week, I count another miracle.  We're obviously preparing for a healthy baby to come in January... getting the nursery set up, planning showers, registering, visiting daycares, taking classes...  But at the same time I continue to pray for peace throughout this still on-going journey.  It ain't over till we hear that baby cryin'!  And I'm no fool to just assume that's going to happen for us.  I'm certainly not fearful of something going wrong, but I think it's natural for any infertile to feel a little uneasy when things go *right* for a change.  Sometimes it's just hard to relax (my favorite word) and accept that this could REALLY be it! 
All kinds of irrational thoughts enter my head on a daily basis... Is my belly shrinking?  I think it looked bigger yesterday.  Is this really a pregnant belly or did I just eat too much ice cream lately? (Not that I did... no comment.)  Any minute, someone behind the desk at the OB's office is going to tell me I don't belong here.  Do people think I'm faking a pregnancy, like Mrs. Schuester on Glee?  Uh yeah, I told you they were irrational thoughts.  They are fleeting... but they still pop in my pea-brain!
Now that we can feel Sam kick (and even see it sometimes - wicked cool), it's all a lot more real.  Obviously, there really is something living inside there.  And everything is going perfectly so far.  We are truly blessed.  And it's been such a cool ride these last few months because I've been able to share it not just with y'all, but with other fellow wannabe-mom's whose dreams are finally coming true.  One of my dear friends is pregnant with her first - only 4 weeks ahead of me - after years and years of waiting on an adoption to go through.  We've leaned on each other for years... wanting so badly to have little ones of our own... and here we are pregnant together!  And then there's another sweet friend who is pregnant with TWINS after several unsuccessful IVF attempts.  Such a miracle!  And what a joy to watch her go through this.  We've had lots of laughs and tears over our fertility woes and here we are... expecting together.  And lastly, my heart is just overjoyed for Amy over at Chapters... please go catch up on her story if you haven't.  She's no longer in Atlanta but I continue to pray for her and follow her journey.  We shared our stories over fish tacos a while back... I'm so thrilled that she may have a little one right around the same time we will!  My prayer list is huge these days.
It is so cool to see God working in all of our lives in this same season.  Of course, he's always at work... but I love being able to see everything coming together for us and for so many people I care about!  (Oh we of little faith... always needing something tangible!)  Now I know there are so many sweet friends of mine still waiting for their "turn."  All I can say is KEEP TRYING.  I think about you and your pain all the time.   I'll keep praying.  You keep trying.  God never makes us wait without reason.  My life today would look a lot different if I really had control over it all along, but would it really be any better?  I can confidently say no.  God seems to get it right everytime.  Funny how that works...


Kathleen said...

I was thinking some of the same things this morning! My co-workers keep commenting on how small my bump is and I was worrying that they think this is all a big ruse and I'm not really pregnant!

At the same time, Husband and I are busy buying things in preparation for the baby's arrival. Painting the nursery, picking out a larger car, furniture. As exciting as it all is, I can't help but think that perhaps even now at 22 weeks, we're still getting ahead of ourselves!

Hopefully we'll both find reassurance from the doctors telling us that everything looks great and someday be able to actually believe it!

Jill said...

Beautiful post. LOVE your always appropriate advice..keep trying is right. I'm praying big for quite a few gals as well - it's so interesting how IF gals have such a HUGE part of my heart. You, of course, are still being prayed for LOTS!! Can't wait to meet sweet Sam!

Pretty in Pink said...

I am 36 weeks pregnant and still have those toughts of what if... I don't think it ever leaves. I've had a really good pregnancy until the last 2 weeks when it all went a bit crazy but as I was in the hospital and tlaking to the midwives I was saying it all seems a bit sureal. My ob tells me there is a baby in there, I can feel the baby move but the thought of actually taking a baby home is still not real for me or the hubby. We just keep taking it day by day and trust the God we deliver a baby in our arms in a few weeks. But don't stress about the thoughts. I still have them.

Miche said...

All normal! We had struggles of a different type so pregnancy isn't all puppies and rainbows for us either.

Oh how I wish I could have gone through pregnancy just once while being blissfully unaware.

Either way your beautiful little boy will be here soon! Yay!

gigiofca said...

I found that it gets easier the closer I got to my due date. I was distracted by an itchy stomach & other last minute physical changes. In my experience, the fear has gone down to almost nil but I'm left w/the amazement of having a baby. Three weeks post-delivery, I still cannot believe she is here with us. Prepare to be enamored!!